Two Liners

This a selection of my Two Liners/Monologue Jokes from Top Story Weekly at IO West.

On Tuesday, a US Navvy destroyer was harassed by Iranian speedboats who were acting “unsafe and unprofessional” and “came way too close for comfort.” The speedboats were acting under the orders of Iran’s new defense minster, Roger Ailes.

NASA has announced it has discovered a nearby planet with earth-like conditions such as  endless war and 5000 kinds of burritos.

On Thursday, Jeb Bush said Donald Trump was “abhorrent” and is “morphing” into a  “typical politician” … to an audience consisting of his dog Marvin and a basketball with a face drawn on it.

Trump said that if elected he’d meet with Mexico’s president. Of course, Trump thinks Mexico’s president is the guy on the Tapatío hot sauce bottle.

Dominos is testing a pizza drone delivery service in New Zealand, effectively legalizing chemical warfare.

18 year old Gary Hardwick married his 71 year old wife Almeda last year in Tennessee and have been documenting their relationship on youtube. Most of the videos feature Gary explaining to Almeda what youtube is.

MSNBC is giving Brian Williams his own nightly show, to make sure that late night tv has a diverse range of white male voices.

A South Dakota couple, married for 63 years, died minutes apart on Monday. The wife said, “We’ll go together, even though we never came together.”

A meth lab was found beneath a Walmart parking lot in New York State, making that meth cook the only person at Walmart earning a living wage.

Marijuana will remain illegal under federal law according to DEA Special Agent Killjoy McMellowharsher.

A group is attempting to offer an after school Satan club at elementary schools across the country, but they face opposition from an existing Satanic group: the Future Business Leaders of America.

HBO has announced that the eighth season of “Game of Thrones” will be the last, but they also announced a spin off called John Snow Loves Chachi.

Protesters in Maine were ejected from a Trump speech for holding up pocket copies of the constitution. Trump told them, “Get your hippy dippy literature out of my rally!”

Taco Bell is planning to test a burrito stuffed with Cheetos. Even father down the line, Taco Bell plans to test a burrito stuffed with food.

Kylie Jenner disabled comments on her Instagram account because she’s tired of people using it to beg for likes and to self-promote. She said Instagram should be used for promoting social justice and feminist ideologies. Sike! She didn’t say that!

A few dozen Bernie Sanders supporters staged a walk out on Tuesday. It turns out that they needed someone to change their diapers.

The dress Melania Trump wore while delivering her speech Monday night at the Republican convention sold out in just minutes. Bill Clinton bought one just to cum on.

A California couple has come forward as co-winners of last January’s $1.6 billion Powerball jackpot. After receiving the money, they registered as Republicans and complained about lazy poor people.

Former Notre Dame football coach Lou Holtz was seen carrying a bottle of Crown Royal at the Republican National Convention this week. Holtz said, “Gatorade quenches my thirst, but whiskey quenches my tolerance for other races.”

Leonardo DiCaprio is raising money for his foundation by holding an auction of items donated by celebrities. His foundation buys prostitutes and yachts for struggling actors.

A new study of Olympians shows that the most unhappy competitors are people who come close to winning but still come in second. The next unhappiest are women whose boyfriends always come first.

In a selfie Paul Ryan took with over 100 congressional interns, only one of them was black. Chad Bradley Black III of Newport, Rhode Island.

According to a recent report out of the UK, Millennials are the first generation to earn less than their parents. So remember, please tip your barista!

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes will reportedly be fired this week over charges of sexual harassment, or as Republicans call it “The spirit of our greatest generation.”

The new season of “Game of Thrones” will start sometime next summer. Unless Trump wins the election and all that’s allowed on TV is the A-Team and Dukes of Hazard.

New apps and websites are encouraging people to treat the hunt for a new apartment like dating, resulting in men all over the country having sex with chimneys.

Among the speakers Monday night at the Republican convention was Scott Baio. He was promoting his new show Charles in Charge of the Mexican Border.

FBI Director James Comey didn’t recommend charges against Hillary Clinton on Tuesday, but said she was “extremely careless” and if that was a crime the whole government would be in prison.

Obama sang Happy Birthday to his daughter Melia at the White House’s 4th of July celebration on Monday. He returned for an encore where he sang “My Way” and gave the finger to any Republicans in attendance.

Crews rushed to help an entangled blue whale off Dana Point on Monday. The whale told reporters it’s grateful it’s a blue whale and not a homeless human.

Chris Christie has been picking up McDonalds for Trump. The most surprising part is that the food is actually made it to Trump.

Pornhub is adding new content in an effort to be more accessible to the blind, making it a baaaaaad time to be a guide dog.

Oprah Winfrey is releasing her first cookbook. Each recipe contains two versions to let you either eat like Fat Oprah or Thin Oprah.

On Wednesday, North West, daughter of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West celebrated her third birthday, two of which she’s already spent in therapy.

Charlie Sheen is the spokesperson for a new line of condoms. The spokesperson also said they’re looking for a brand new advertising staff.

A new line of Star Wars themed fragrances have been announced with such proposed names as, “Scoundrel”, “Wookie Sweat”, and “Dagobah Swamp Water”.

During Stanford’s commencement ceremony, Ken Burns gave a speech denouncing Donald Trump. The speech lasted 15 hours and was narrated by Morgan Freeman.

According to court documents, Goldman Sachs hired prostitutes in order to get business from Libya. Some of the hookers named were Mitch McConnell, Cory Booker, and Ted Cruz.

On Thursday President Obama met with Bernie Sanders, causing Hillary Clinton to issue a press release announcing how much she also loves meetings.

An Orange County judge who was censured for having sex with two women in his chamber was re-elected Tuesday on the strength of his slogan, “Sexy beyond a reasonable doubt.”

Paul Ryan said that Donald Trump’s attack on the judge in his Trump University case is “textbook racism.” Which was, of course, approved by the Texas Board of Education.

The UN removed a Saudi led coalition from its list of child rights violators after the Saudis threatened to withhold funding, bringing to mind that timeless saying “Money can’t buy happiness, but it will let you drop bombs on children.”

Hostess recalled 700,000 cases of Ding Dongs, Zingers, and Chocodiles. The governor of Mississippi immediately declared a state of emergency.

This week, NBA superstar Stephen Curry announced that he will not be traveling to Rio for the 2016 Olympics. He’ll be traveling to Rio for the prostitutes.

The Zika virus might be transmitted by oral sex. So no more blow jobs from mosquitos.

The US state department reported that Iran is the #1 sponsor of terror in the world. They’re also the #1 sponsor of Dancing With The Stars, Monday nights on ABC!

Kobe Bryant makes a cameo in the new Ghostbusters? movie where he finally confronts the ghost of Michael Jordan.

Mama June from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” will be making a tour of strip clubs this summer. Mostly for the free buffets.

A Santa Ana woman accused of attempted carjacking and multiple stabbings attacks, was shot by police on Wednesday. All in all a great step forward in gender equality.

Customers have accused Kay Jewelers of swapping out diamonds for fakes. Guess that Jared asshole is feeling pretty smug right about now.

Sports Authority is going out of business due to competition from it’s main rivals: Pizza, Couches and Netflix. A python bit a Thai man’s penis while he was on the toilet. That’s one way to get your plumbing snaked.

ExxonMobil’s CEO Rex Tillerson said that ending oil production is “not acceptable for humanity.” Humanity being the name of Tillerson’s underground evil lair.

President Obama signed a directive striking the words “oriental” and “negro” from federal laws, but they will remain in the Republican Party Platform.

According to a new CDC survey 30% of Americans are obese. The other 70% are obese curious. After signing a new $2.5 million contract for next season, Whoopi Goldberg will be returning to “The View” because hey, someone’s gotta defend Bill Cosby.

Protesters at a New Mexico Trump rally lit fires, smashed barriers, and threw rocks. Trump demanded they stop because he couldn’t tell them apart from his supporters.

Trump pulled ahead of Clinton in a new national poll, but they’re both still trailing Senator Holy Fucking Shit Get Me Out Of This Country, Jr.

A British couple got married after 44 years of dating because they got tired of having sex.

Rapper Juvenile got into a fight with a customer at a Waffle House in South Carolina, which is actually how you settle the check in a Waffle House.

Wendy’s announced they will begin replacing workers with self-service kiosks, but reassured customers that the kiosks will also fuck up your order.

Burger King recently opened up its first in-store spa in Finland. The chain revealed its American stores will feature an in-store fight club.

Pfizer blocked the use of its drugs in executions because trying to kill a man with boner pills is just plain silly.

A Pennsylvania Catholic high school student was barred from entering her prom because she wore a suit instead of a dress. Jesus was also barred from the prom for wearing a dress instead of a suit.

After seizing $2.3 million dollars from a narcotics raid in Anaheim, the FBI said that anyone with information about illegal drugs should contact them. The FBI immediately rescinded their offer when they were contacted by EVERYONE IN CALIFORNIA.

The online auction for the gun George Zimmerman used to kill Trayvon Martin disappeared from gun broker.com on Thursday. For once, common sense was allowed to stand its ground.

Anheuser-Busch announced Budweiser will be renamed “America” from now through the upcoming election. Because nothing embodies this year’s primaries like the bold taste of carbonated goat piss.

Eddie Murphy’s girlfriend Paige Butcher gave birth to his ninth child on Tuesday morning, proving that at least one part of him can still give a good performance.

Caitlyn Jenner has bought a new purple Porsche. Jenner was quoted as saying, “I want my car to reflect the beautiful woman I am the next time I commit vehicular manslaughter ”